sometimes i feel like i have let people ruin my life. i've let them walk all over me. i've let them control my life -like my characteristics were just fader switches on a board and everything good that i am has been faded down and off. I consider myself a very independant person. I do the things that i want to do and do what makes me happy. I just feel as though I can never acutally be happy about anything because there are always those people in life that have the ability to take away every ounce of happiness that a soul can posess and transfer that energy to pure dread. It sucks the most when those particular people are "friends". Here i am 21 years old, in the last leg of my senior year and i feel like i'm back in high school having to put up with people's crap again...there were always a few that had a problem with me because i did exactly as i wanted to do and never compromised myself for others, espeically for them. It was like everything that i did, they had a problem with and always tried to make me feel miserable because I was happy with who i was...and they were that insecure of themselves. In my life i have been blessed with some really great friends. I think that for every really great person in my life, i get 5 bad ones...5 that want to ruin everything that has ever been worked for. i feel frustrated. i feel worn out. i feel consumed. i feel wasted. Everyone always says "Fuck it, don't worry about them" and that's what i do most of the time but there are always those things that you can't shrug off. I don't understand how people can treat others so horribly and get away with it. I don't understand how people can be so shallow and self absorbed and constantly hurt people, yet have so much. Why does the world hand feed that kind of person and then turn right back around and kick others in the face for working so hard for everything that they want?
I hate the days when i get depressed. I think about all the awful things that i did to myself in the past when i would get depressed. Obviously now my depression is nothing near what it used to be because i realize how severe the consequences of every action are...i just get sad now i guess. every one has to have their low points from time to time. I hate wasting a single second being upset, but right now i can't do much else. I realize that i have gotten to do so many incredble things so far in life...alot of things that most people will never get to do...and i should be happy with that...and i am. i just can't quite explain how it is that i still feel sad...and how it is that people are able to take it away from me.
i've started thinking lately that i am just destine to be alone. that i'm not good enough for anyone and i'll die a freakishly misshapen woman alone...i don' even have that future of 1000 cats to look forward to cuz i'm allergic! I can never figure out what is so wrong with me that i can't find someone to be happy with...and then i look around and see all of those self absorbed, soul-less mean girls...that don't appreciate the person that they have. granted i guess if the dude can even stomache to be around that kind of girl then he is nothing speical himself, but then again some girls have a great way of hiding who they acutally are...probably cuz they have no idea who they acutally are and are so good at useing others to find it that it doesn't matter. i think that is what pisses me off the most...that people seem to ignore the horrible qualities maybe because of the way someone looks. or maybe some just aren't as good at seeing thru people as others are. normally i say that is one of my favorite qualities- that i can read a person like a childrens book, but it's making me more upset than it is doing any good.
everytime i am down i am so contradictory. i'm sad but i'm happy, i cry but i'm laughing. i feel bad about myself, but i know it could be worse. like i was watching this TLC documentary about amazing medical miracles...and this guy had a leg that weight 400lbs. so i cry and think that atleast mine only weigh like 50lbs each! but i get really sad about super small things. like the other day i saw this guy spill his milk...the cap came off in his bag or something and it spilled all over the floor. i was watching him the whole time and his face just gave way like he was having the most rotten life ever and it only became apparent to him at the exact moment that the milk spilled. and seeing the culmination of someones miserable life in their eyes as you're both watching the spilled milk...its kind of intense.
i want to be done with all of this. i want to graduate. and get my dream job with the label so i can work my ass off and be happy...find the real people in this world...and surround my free time with more music. there are two things that are sticking out in my mind right now 1- "when music is the one thing that surrounds you, you feel no pain" and 2- this poem that i wrote when i was about 16...it's funny how even though about 6 years have passed in between writing it and my feelings now...feelings and thoughts can be exactly the same in a different situation years later.
Will I ever be happy with a simple life?
Where I can sell apples on the street with a smile?
Where I can ask someone a question and won't be sold for their reply?
Because when i finally find my life
somewhere on that lonely street corner
will anyone come back and tell me "Job well done!" ?
How can I sit back and say that I've done my job
when i'm always waiting for the "Well done!"?
I can wait for hours and I can wait for days
and I never know in-between there which one is passing...
but why should I care??
Isn't there a soul in the world that knows?
A soul in which mine can become lost
and on those unlit street corners they can dance
because time and reply's have no cost?
Why is my apple not good enough?
How long do I have to wait
for someone...
for anyone?
Because all I've ever wanted was for someone to take me in their arms and tell me "It's ok."
That would be simple enough for me.
so decipher.
i'll be happy tomorrow.
I hate the days when i get depressed. I think about all the awful things that i did to myself in the past when i would get depressed. Obviously now my depression is nothing near what it used to be because i realize how severe the consequences of every action are...i just get sad now i guess. every one has to have their low points from time to time. I hate wasting a single second being upset, but right now i can't do much else. I realize that i have gotten to do so many incredble things so far in life...alot of things that most people will never get to do...and i should be happy with that...and i am. i just can't quite explain how it is that i still feel sad...and how it is that people are able to take it away from me.
i've started thinking lately that i am just destine to be alone. that i'm not good enough for anyone and i'll die a freakishly misshapen woman alone...i don' even have that future of 1000 cats to look forward to cuz i'm allergic! I can never figure out what is so wrong with me that i can't find someone to be happy with...and then i look around and see all of those self absorbed, soul-less mean girls...that don't appreciate the person that they have. granted i guess if the dude can even stomache to be around that kind of girl then he is nothing speical himself, but then again some girls have a great way of hiding who they acutally are...probably cuz they have no idea who they acutally are and are so good at useing others to find it that it doesn't matter. i think that is what pisses me off the most...that people seem to ignore the horrible qualities maybe because of the way someone looks. or maybe some just aren't as good at seeing thru people as others are. normally i say that is one of my favorite qualities- that i can read a person like a childrens book, but it's making me more upset than it is doing any good.
everytime i am down i am so contradictory. i'm sad but i'm happy, i cry but i'm laughing. i feel bad about myself, but i know it could be worse. like i was watching this TLC documentary about amazing medical miracles...and this guy had a leg that weight 400lbs. so i cry and think that atleast mine only weigh like 50lbs each! but i get really sad about super small things. like the other day i saw this guy spill his milk...the cap came off in his bag or something and it spilled all over the floor. i was watching him the whole time and his face just gave way like he was having the most rotten life ever and it only became apparent to him at the exact moment that the milk spilled. and seeing the culmination of someones miserable life in their eyes as you're both watching the spilled milk...its kind of intense.
i want to be done with all of this. i want to graduate. and get my dream job with the label so i can work my ass off and be happy...find the real people in this world...and surround my free time with more music. there are two things that are sticking out in my mind right now 1- "when music is the one thing that surrounds you, you feel no pain" and 2- this poem that i wrote when i was about 16...it's funny how even though about 6 years have passed in between writing it and my feelings now...feelings and thoughts can be exactly the same in a different situation years later.
Will I ever be happy with a simple life?
Where I can sell apples on the street with a smile?
Where I can ask someone a question and won't be sold for their reply?
Because when i finally find my life
somewhere on that lonely street corner
will anyone come back and tell me "Job well done!" ?
How can I sit back and say that I've done my job
when i'm always waiting for the "Well done!"?
I can wait for hours and I can wait for days
and I never know in-between there which one is passing...
but why should I care??
Isn't there a soul in the world that knows?
A soul in which mine can become lost
and on those unlit street corners they can dance
because time and reply's have no cost?
Why is my apple not good enough?
How long do I have to wait
for someone...
for anyone?
Because all I've ever wanted was for someone to take me in their arms and tell me "It's ok."
That would be simple enough for me.
so decipher.
i'll be happy tomorrow.
