I remember one time when i was little, i was watching TV with my family in the middle of the afternoon. We were watching a program about sleeping. I was one of those paranoid kids...I always thought I was dying from something. Like the time i heard that the average person eats 7 spiders a year...i thought i was going to die because i ate too many spiders. but anyways, Everything i heard on TV i took as truth. I remember hearing something on that show about sleep that went along the lines of "a person has to move atleast every (insert an amount of time here, because as the years have passed i have forgotten exactly what the time span was supposed to be) otherwise their body will shut down". After i heard that, i started to move around in my sleep alot because I did not want my body to stop. Now, i'm not a genious by any means, but i do believe that is where my sleep deprivation began! I would constantly wake myself up because i wanted to keep moving. It became part of my subconcious, I had to keep moving.
You know what I think is really wierd. I don't know if this is going to make much since when i explain it, but there are times when I will suddenly discover something new. Either by talking with someone or hearing it on TV or reading it in a book. But it will be something i never knew about before, that no one seemed to mention in conversation ever...then the rest of the day whatever it is will keep popping up everywhere! I don't know if it becomes more obvious to me because I am now openly paying attention to it, or why it happens like that. I can't even think of an example right now because i'm so damn tired. So anyone that is reading this is probably thinking "What the fuck are you talking about you freakin moron". and if you are thinking that, i have no come back! you win.
If anyone is looking for a class to take and is interested in the behavoir patterns that people display within relationships (could be friendships, could be boyfriend/girlfriend, could be family oriented, could be work related, ect) i advise you to take Communication Theory with Professor Mara Berkland. She rocks my world lately. I cannot even begin to express the amount of things I have learned in that class.
It just hit me how incredible these last few months have been for me. I kind of feel like I have been hidden under a rock for the last 19 years of my life and that i've finally been rescued. My mind seemed as though it was shut off. Not to mention, i think i've grown more into myself and learned more about myself in these past few months than any other time period in my life. I was beginning to shut down as a person. That's not saying i wasn't enjoying life, because I was. I just think that the people i've met and become close to recently have given my mind and my soul the courage it needed to be who I am. People have been so supportive of me. It's not something I am used to because minus my family and best friends from home, everyone else was there to be your worst critic.
I think that growing up with people in the small town atmosphere like I did, bind you to certain labels that are pretty hard to shake. To everyone at home I am part of a mold that they've had 18 years to shape. (this is excluding my best friends of course). I think that has a huge impact on a person's self esteem. Until you can free yourself from that mold they set you in, then your image of yourself will always remain the same. It has taken me the two years that i have been away from Stockton to realize that I am capable of so much more than what most people there might map out for me. I notice when i go home the things people say...and the sudden interest everyone has in me...and how badly people try to suck up just so they can say they are my "Friend". It is funny to me. If you don't come from a small town, i supppose none of this makes sense. I haven't been at home for longer than a 2 week period in 2 years. I am going home for the summer and it scares the hell out of me because i do not want to get caught back in that circle and lose what i have gained and learned about myself. All my scars come back when i go home, and i don't want to feel like i am trapped again. Stockton is this horrible bubble where everyone knocks you down and no one respects anyone else. People are either on drugs, in jail, or dead. It is so sad to know that those who do not leave after graduation will be stuck there...they are born and die in the same miserable town. I realize that this is even including my brothers...which is all sorts of saddness for me, but it is life. I can't change circumstance. I can only hope that one day everyone else will realize their worth, get away, and find themselves. I have no idea why my vision of stockton is so bitter...because people seem to love small towns. And obviously people thrive in them, which is why families keep moving out of the cities to live in small towns. It baffles me. My head hurts and I am tired. I've had enough Stockton bashing for the evening.
I'm out~
You know what I think is really wierd. I don't know if this is going to make much since when i explain it, but there are times when I will suddenly discover something new. Either by talking with someone or hearing it on TV or reading it in a book. But it will be something i never knew about before, that no one seemed to mention in conversation ever...then the rest of the day whatever it is will keep popping up everywhere! I don't know if it becomes more obvious to me because I am now openly paying attention to it, or why it happens like that. I can't even think of an example right now because i'm so damn tired. So anyone that is reading this is probably thinking "What the fuck are you talking about you freakin moron". and if you are thinking that, i have no come back! you win.
If anyone is looking for a class to take and is interested in the behavoir patterns that people display within relationships (could be friendships, could be boyfriend/girlfriend, could be family oriented, could be work related, ect) i advise you to take Communication Theory with Professor Mara Berkland. She rocks my world lately. I cannot even begin to express the amount of things I have learned in that class.
It just hit me how incredible these last few months have been for me. I kind of feel like I have been hidden under a rock for the last 19 years of my life and that i've finally been rescued. My mind seemed as though it was shut off. Not to mention, i think i've grown more into myself and learned more about myself in these past few months than any other time period in my life. I was beginning to shut down as a person. That's not saying i wasn't enjoying life, because I was. I just think that the people i've met and become close to recently have given my mind and my soul the courage it needed to be who I am. People have been so supportive of me. It's not something I am used to because minus my family and best friends from home, everyone else was there to be your worst critic.
I think that growing up with people in the small town atmosphere like I did, bind you to certain labels that are pretty hard to shake. To everyone at home I am part of a mold that they've had 18 years to shape. (this is excluding my best friends of course). I think that has a huge impact on a person's self esteem. Until you can free yourself from that mold they set you in, then your image of yourself will always remain the same. It has taken me the two years that i have been away from Stockton to realize that I am capable of so much more than what most people there might map out for me. I notice when i go home the things people say...and the sudden interest everyone has in me...and how badly people try to suck up just so they can say they are my "Friend". It is funny to me. If you don't come from a small town, i supppose none of this makes sense. I haven't been at home for longer than a 2 week period in 2 years. I am going home for the summer and it scares the hell out of me because i do not want to get caught back in that circle and lose what i have gained and learned about myself. All my scars come back when i go home, and i don't want to feel like i am trapped again. Stockton is this horrible bubble where everyone knocks you down and no one respects anyone else. People are either on drugs, in jail, or dead. It is so sad to know that those who do not leave after graduation will be stuck there...they are born and die in the same miserable town. I realize that this is even including my brothers...which is all sorts of saddness for me, but it is life. I can't change circumstance. I can only hope that one day everyone else will realize their worth, get away, and find themselves. I have no idea why my vision of stockton is so bitter...because people seem to love small towns. And obviously people thrive in them, which is why families keep moving out of the cities to live in small towns. It baffles me. My head hurts and I am tired. I've had enough Stockton bashing for the evening.
I'm out~