The convent becomes less and less bearable as the days continue on. I spent last night in mad fits, tossing, turning, sweating, crying. I love my little cubby hole on the floor, except during times like this. It was so ungodly hot (me without a fan) that i was kept up until 6 in the morning. It got to the point where i was crying because i was delusional from sleep deprivation! ah! The thermostat said 90 degrees. The heat is still pouring through the ghetto ass heater.I live in a wind tunnel and it just so happened that last night there wasn't even the slightest breeze blowing through. JUST as i fell asleep the garbage truck pulled up. It always sounds like a war zone monday mornings since the garbage dump is right below my window. how did i get so lucky as to live here?! Next year will be fort hill...and though i'm not exactly happy about that, anything is better than this.
I'm a bit torn up right now. One of those times where I am feeling extremes about everything; completley indecisive and not wanting to face the inevitable. Sometimes I can not wait for this term to end because I just want to be done with classes. Part of me is looking forward to going home and being able to spend more than 2 weeks there, which is all i have spent there in the last 2 years. I miss my friends, i miss my family, i miss my kitties and my little bunny milton! But, then again part of me is praying to God that this term doesn't ever end. I want to hold on to it forever. There are some people that I do not want to say good bye to...okay i'm not going to lie. There is one in particular. Even though it was going to be hard for me before this weekend, it is going to be 100 times harder now. I hate those instances when you realize your life is forever altered...and those times when you know that there is nothing you can do that will mend the absense or soften the blow because life does happen. I tired to hold myself back because i knew that i couldn't have him...but as much as i knew it was wrong and it shouldn't happen, all i could think about was how it would make me happy...and now, it has made things worse. It is not regret...it's just saddness. There are very few people in this world that can make me feel volunerable, and he is definately one of the few. He just gets to me...and i wish i could hate it. but i don't. He is a weakness...if he had never looked my way and if i hadn't fallen madly in love with him the first time he did look my way when i met him 2 years ago, then this would not be so damn hard. I was lured in by the secret...and i got stuck. damn.
I need to stop talking about that....it's too bad that there really hasn't been anything else too exciting in my life that i can write about. I wake up, go to class, usually i spend some time eating or napping, poke around online for a bit, maybe play some guitar, go to another class or two, then whenever class is done I either drink or lay around all night until Roseanne is on. I am trashy and I have no life. what can i say?
I'm a bit torn up right now. One of those times where I am feeling extremes about everything; completley indecisive and not wanting to face the inevitable. Sometimes I can not wait for this term to end because I just want to be done with classes. Part of me is looking forward to going home and being able to spend more than 2 weeks there, which is all i have spent there in the last 2 years. I miss my friends, i miss my family, i miss my kitties and my little bunny milton! But, then again part of me is praying to God that this term doesn't ever end. I want to hold on to it forever. There are some people that I do not want to say good bye to...okay i'm not going to lie. There is one in particular. Even though it was going to be hard for me before this weekend, it is going to be 100 times harder now. I hate those instances when you realize your life is forever altered...and those times when you know that there is nothing you can do that will mend the absense or soften the blow because life does happen. I tired to hold myself back because i knew that i couldn't have him...but as much as i knew it was wrong and it shouldn't happen, all i could think about was how it would make me happy...and now, it has made things worse. It is not regret...it's just saddness. There are very few people in this world that can make me feel volunerable, and he is definately one of the few. He just gets to me...and i wish i could hate it. but i don't. He is a weakness...if he had never looked my way and if i hadn't fallen madly in love with him the first time he did look my way when i met him 2 years ago, then this would not be so damn hard. I was lured in by the secret...and i got stuck. damn.
I need to stop talking about that....it's too bad that there really hasn't been anything else too exciting in my life that i can write about. I wake up, go to class, usually i spend some time eating or napping, poke around online for a bit, maybe play some guitar, go to another class or two, then whenever class is done I either drink or lay around all night until Roseanne is on. I am trashy and I have no life. what can i say?